Final Destination Mind

So, I mentioned in a previous blog that I have a "final destination" sort of mind.  Let me explain.  Nearly every thought I have regarding the good in my life turns into a negative, life ending thought.  This has been the case in the past but it seems to be much more so now that I have my long awaited Ryne here.  I imagine it's the fear of not being here, to see him grow up, or the fear that Rusty won't be here, or the fear that (GOD FORBID) Ryne won't be here.

So, here is an example of my "Final Destination Mind".

A few weekends ago I was going to be having company and Rusty asked what all needed to be done and two of the things mentioned was sweeping and mopping the wood floor in the living room.  I was showering first so when I heard the sweeper going I was happy that he was doing it for me.  Then, I wondered, will he mop too?  That's when the thought turned bad.  (See, something good becomes bad.)  Ryne was in his room  and we have walk through child gates on both entries into his room.  These gates have a bottom on them so you have to step over them.  During the day, mostly, we prop the gate doors open and we just have to step over the bottom.  So, here's where this got bad.  I imagined getting out of the shower and going through Ryne's room and then into the living room where I would step onto the wood floor, slip (because it's damp from Rusty so graciously mopping it), and as I go down my head hits either the corner of the top of the gate or hits the bottom of the gate.  And, you guessed it, I die.  That's it.  I only get 6 weeks with my baby boy.  No more.  **I was very thankful when I opened the bathroom door and asked Rusty if he had mopped too.  He hadn't.  One time I was glad he didn't do something to help out.**

Well, this caused me to bawl like a baby in the shower.  And I mean gasping because I was bawling so hard.  Those thoughts are HORRIBLE.  I can't begin to understand what I would go through if I actually lost my child.  Following that was a migraine like headache that lasted for 3 days.  I don't know if the crying had anything to do with it but I think it might have.

Second example??

Driving home from town with Ryne I had this thought of what if something bad happened to Rusty.  I don't remember what he was doing and why I had the thought??  Probably driving on the two-lane highway every day.  My thoughts were I'd move, probably closer to my mom.  Then I thought, no, he'd need to stay here because that's what Rusty would want.  Then I thought, well, I'd build a small home for us.  Then I thought, no, he needs to live in the one that Rusty actually built three of the walls with his own hands.  Ugh............

And of course, I do it with Ryne too.  I wish my mind didn't take this route.  It's like a downward spiral of thoughts.  One thought leads to another, then to a worse one, then to the ultimate fear.  I bring myself to tears all the time because of it.

I've been like this for a long time so I imagine it won't be changing.  I can only hope that the "final destination" won't be happening any time soon for any 3 of us.

I would say I can't imagine my life without my husband or Ryne, but I can and I do.  I wish I didn't because it is a terrible way to use my imagination.