I fell in love with him the very first time I saw him. It was love at first site. That's been what seems like a long time ago. He was my true high school sweetheart and I now truly believe that those types of love can last forever. Thoughts of him absolutely CRUSH me. I struggle with the fact that he is no longer with me. Instant tears and grief start a turmoil in my mind. Why do I feel that if he were still in my life everything would be perfect? I don't see how he could change the few things that need to be changed. I feel awful that when I come home I would rather have him there to greet me. How can I feel that way? How can those that await me not be the most important to me? There isn't much that I wouldn't give up to have him in my life again. When I visit where his lifeless body was laid to rest I can barely cope with the feelings that overcome me. I want him, I need him, I miss him, I can not go on without him. Why can't I focus on the good times we had? Why must I relive those last few days that he and I were together and how much he drifted away from me? He was my life so what is my life now that he isn't in it? I have to let the past go, at least the not-so-happy times. I must learn to focus on the times I had him with me and we were the happiest two beings in the world. One problem.......I constantly will compare those times to these times. That is not fair to those I love today. Regardless, he is the love of my life. Visits to his burial site do this to me every time. It causes distance in the moments after, it causes heartache, and it causes turmoil within my own mind for days to come. It causes the nights to begin with crying myself to sleep. Then that will fade also.........until the next time I visit him, causing my heart to break all over again.
More on my weekend later.
It'll get better someday Tara, hang in there.
ReplyDelete