Shy and Sensitive

As a little girl I was very shy.  Never did I like to speak up or look anyone straight on.  I never told anyone what I really thought or wanted.  I would just set back and let others speak for me. 

As a little girl I was very sensitive.  I remember at a very young age, maybe 7 or 8, sitting in our dining room on 9th street and crying for probably 30-45 minutes because I had broke the little elastic band that held my moms coupon holder closed.  She finally came looking for me and instantly told me that it was okay, I hadn't done anything wrong.  I didn't believe her.

If you ask me what my biggest fear is I will tell you that it is being a disappointment.  Number one to my dad, which has always seemed so easy to do.  Sometimes I feel I will never actually please him or give him a reason to actually be proud of me.  Yes, being a disappointment is my biggest fear.  So when I am faced with a question or a decision head on I say what I think is wanted of me.  I don't say what I truly want to do.  I want to please the other person, I want to NOT be a disappointment to them.  Ask me where I want to eat for dinner, I'll say I don't care.  What do you want?  Ask me what movie we should see?  Same thing.  I am always wanting to please others because I don't want to disappoint them.  A curse I have had since childhood.  And yes, I feel it is a curse.  Put me on the spot and get exactly what you want.

I have promised myself that I will start basing my decisions on what I truly feel in my heart, not on what I think others want of me.  There are so many times I have said yes or shook my head up and down as I hesitated inside knowing I had just agreed to something that I really didn't think was a good idea or just flat out did not want to do.  No more.........or at least I am going to try.

If I disappoint you  it better be for a damn good reason, otherwise I'm living this life for me and mine and it's not going to matter.  There is a magic number in my life and it is the number four.  Rusty, myself, Marley and Keiko.

That's my family and their happiness is what is important to me. And from today forward, my happiness too.