Hello friends! Here is a little update for y'all.
Two days ago, I got the tease of my life. I woke up Tuesday morning and went to work and felt like a million bucks. No back pain, no headache, no nausea, no dizziness, no brain lag......NOTHING. It has been years since I felt like that! What a taste of the good life. Then the afternoon rolled in. The way I put it to my husband...."I feel like life just gave me the biggest tease. Life can suck it". I wanted to cry. I don't cry. It takes quite a bit to make me cry. Most generally I never cry from pain, I've dealt with that too much. I will cry if I am extremely angry and I mean pissed beyond imagination. That afternoon, I just wanted to be alone and bawl my little eyes out.
Yes, the brain lag is back. Right there along with the dizziness. Thank goodness the nausea is completely gone. I have realized that I do not need to drive at night until the brain lag clears up. Moving my head back and forth to check for cars just sends my head in a tailspin and at night with not being able to see well; it's kind of scary. Yesterday I had HORRIBLE back pain but I am happy that is better today. Thank goodness for our hot tub. Even just 15 minutes makes a huge difference.
I am not giving up. I will not get back on the Celexa. I loved the feeling I had Tuesday morning knowing my body was free of any medication. I also very seldom drink a Dr. Pepper during the day or even at home. Mostly if we go out to eat. That feels great too. Something changed in my taste buds I guess when I quit the medication. Things will turn around, I have no doubt. I just have to be patient and allow my body to adjust.
Work is going excellent. This has been one of my two busiest months and I have stayed right on top of it. So excited about that. I decorated my desk for Halloween today after work so that will be a nice change of scenery for a bit.
Tonight we stopped by to see Staci and Mr. Kaden and was blessed to get to see Trina and her bunch! It was nice to allow them to be able to almost completely eat supper while Rusty and I watched the littlest ones.
Now we are home, enjoying the awesome weather and getting ready to hit the hay. I still love the great sleep I'm getting. Just ready for the exhaustion part of this to end. Well, I'm ready for all of it to end but ya know!
I'll be patient because it's gonna be awesome!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Celexa Withdrawal
Yep, I have had withdrawal symptoms from stopping my medication that I quit cold turkey. I call it brain lag or eye lag. It's like your eyes move a tad bit slower than your head. Or your brain doesn't register things you see near as fast. There's also a sound when this happens followed by dizziness. Sometimes I feel like I am actually drunk. It's not a good feeling though. I have also had severe exhaustion. This Thursday will have been two weeks since I stopped the medication. I am very hopeful it gets better soon. I was nauseous the first week, glad that's gone.
I had made the mistake of stopping drinking Dr. Pepper or any caffeine also. It really had just stopped tasting good. Today was my third day without and I started to get a migraine. That along with the medication withdrawal was a little more than I could handle. I had half of a can of pop at work and it helped. I also had a glass at supper tonight with some classmates. It definitely took away the headache. Unfortunately, the dizziness, brain lag and sounds continue.
One great thing is that I have been sleeping like a baby. Lots of dreams and I am still exhausted, but sleeping good. It is very frustrating to wake up from sleeping great and still be exhausted. Today my dizziness started before I even got out of bed and that was frustrating.
I don't cry very often from pain or not feeling well, but I got tears in my eyes at my desk today because I felt horrible. Absolutely awful. I left a heap of work on my desk as it was a true Monday, but I am looking forward to tomorrow and getting caught up.
I was not looking forward to violin practice followed by a meeting for our 15 year reunion. Violin practice went really well and I found myself escaping through my music. It is much more rewarding when you feel like you are playing music and not just screeching a bow across some strings. Afterwards, I came home and changed and met my classmates at Gutch's. I enjoyed a nice visit with them. It was when I got into the car that I realized driving at night is probably not good right now with my brain/eye lag. I will definitely be trying to avoid that until this clears up, which I hope is soon.
My husband suggested getting back on the medication if it was too much. Folks, I didn't come this far to quit. I haven't suffered for a week and a half to quit. If I can quit smoking, I can quit this. My fuses are a little shorter but I am having to teach myself to handle it differently. I think some people can deal with frustration, rudeness and ignorance better than others. Some are so easy to let things go and think others should be able to also. We are all different and we all deal with things differently. I truly believe that my fuses are shorter than most and my husband can prove that. He is able to let things roll off of him most of the time. I am trying to learn this technique. Please don't assume it's the same for everyone. It's not.
For the moment, I am relaxed and feel peaceful. I'll take it whenever I can get it.
Lastly, I love my husband!
I had made the mistake of stopping drinking Dr. Pepper or any caffeine also. It really had just stopped tasting good. Today was my third day without and I started to get a migraine. That along with the medication withdrawal was a little more than I could handle. I had half of a can of pop at work and it helped. I also had a glass at supper tonight with some classmates. It definitely took away the headache. Unfortunately, the dizziness, brain lag and sounds continue.
One great thing is that I have been sleeping like a baby. Lots of dreams and I am still exhausted, but sleeping good. It is very frustrating to wake up from sleeping great and still be exhausted. Today my dizziness started before I even got out of bed and that was frustrating.
I don't cry very often from pain or not feeling well, but I got tears in my eyes at my desk today because I felt horrible. Absolutely awful. I left a heap of work on my desk as it was a true Monday, but I am looking forward to tomorrow and getting caught up.
I was not looking forward to violin practice followed by a meeting for our 15 year reunion. Violin practice went really well and I found myself escaping through my music. It is much more rewarding when you feel like you are playing music and not just screeching a bow across some strings. Afterwards, I came home and changed and met my classmates at Gutch's. I enjoyed a nice visit with them. It was when I got into the car that I realized driving at night is probably not good right now with my brain/eye lag. I will definitely be trying to avoid that until this clears up, which I hope is soon.
My husband suggested getting back on the medication if it was too much. Folks, I didn't come this far to quit. I haven't suffered for a week and a half to quit. If I can quit smoking, I can quit this. My fuses are a little shorter but I am having to teach myself to handle it differently. I think some people can deal with frustration, rudeness and ignorance better than others. Some are so easy to let things go and think others should be able to also. We are all different and we all deal with things differently. I truly believe that my fuses are shorter than most and my husband can prove that. He is able to let things roll off of him most of the time. I am trying to learn this technique. Please don't assume it's the same for everyone. It's not.
For the moment, I am relaxed and feel peaceful. I'll take it whenever I can get it.
Lastly, I love my husband!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
It's No Secret
I suffer from depression. Anyone who reads this blog would know that. I have posted deep, dark poems. Blogs of happy, sad and in between. Depression runs in my family and it runs deep. Not just mild depression where you have a day or two every once in a while where you want to just tell the world to "f" off. Sometimes it's weeks on end.
My mother asked me once if I was happy. This was about 3 months or so ago. I know she asked me because of this blog and some of the things I post. Me being unhappy couldn't be farther from the truth. That's the thing about depression. You can have everything your heart desires and you can still find yourself in that deep, dark hole wishing you didn't exist. I am happy. I am beyond happy. I live in a town that I used to have dreams of moving back to. I have a husband that is absolutely the most amazing man in the world. No matter how much you think you have the best one, let's compare notes. Our relationship will blow you away. I have an awesome job that I enjoy each and every day. I have a beautiful home in which I find complete comfort. In my books, I damn near have it all.
So, you ask, how can you be depressed?
There's no way to explain it unless you have dealt with it yourself. It's just like the smoking issue. DO NOT give me advice on something you have no clue about. I first started taking a real mild anti-depressant about 10 years or so ago. I visited with my doctor and told him that I had a few choice words for anyone that looked at me. I worked at a hospital in Oklahoma and as I would walk down the hall and have people smile at me my thoughts weren't good thoughts. They were more along the line of "What the hell are you smiling about?" And this was the attitude towards everything and everyone. So, he prescribed a mild anti-depressant. I have pretty much been on the same thing ever since. I have never taken any of that strong crap like Paxil or Prozac. Just a little something to keep me from biting someones head off...........or knocking the ever loving shit out of them. For some of you that have crossed my path in the past, it's a very good thing I was taking my medication. I don't know if I could have controlled myself or my words! Within the last year, though, things have changed and I find myself in more favorable situations on a daily basis. When you are happy with your job, it helps. Eight hours of misery each day does not make life pleasant at all. My job is a blessing. Sure, some days are tough and busy where you thought you were going to get certain things done and you don't even get to touch them. That's the type of business I'm in. I wouldn't change it for a thing. I also have a new found patience for dealing with immature, selfish people. If that's how you want to be, so be it. Whatever floats your boat because you aren't gonna be a passenger on mine. I only share this as an outlet for me and insight into the posts I make on this blog.
I have run out of my medication that I take for my depression. The doctor I had here in town has left and I don't have a regular family physician. I was going to call in and see if I could get a refill until I could get in to a new doctor but I have decided to go without. I am trying to be positive and tell myself I can do this. Then something occurred to me.
What if I don't like who I am? What if I am not the person I thought I was all along? Who am I?
We will soon find out. I am excited to see if I feel better, if I sleep better, and if other aspects of my life that I thought I needed medication to deal with are actually better. Saturday was rough, Sunday was too. Today, surprisingly good. I almost feel at peace. It's almost as if I have free'd myself of something. Something that was holding me back and stopping me. My mind felt clearer today and calmer.
Of course, as anyone who suffers from depression knows, this can change in an instant.
My mother asked me once if I was happy. This was about 3 months or so ago. I know she asked me because of this blog and some of the things I post. Me being unhappy couldn't be farther from the truth. That's the thing about depression. You can have everything your heart desires and you can still find yourself in that deep, dark hole wishing you didn't exist. I am happy. I am beyond happy. I live in a town that I used to have dreams of moving back to. I have a husband that is absolutely the most amazing man in the world. No matter how much you think you have the best one, let's compare notes. Our relationship will blow you away. I have an awesome job that I enjoy each and every day. I have a beautiful home in which I find complete comfort. In my books, I damn near have it all.
So, you ask, how can you be depressed?
There's no way to explain it unless you have dealt with it yourself. It's just like the smoking issue. DO NOT give me advice on something you have no clue about. I first started taking a real mild anti-depressant about 10 years or so ago. I visited with my doctor and told him that I had a few choice words for anyone that looked at me. I worked at a hospital in Oklahoma and as I would walk down the hall and have people smile at me my thoughts weren't good thoughts. They were more along the line of "What the hell are you smiling about?" And this was the attitude towards everything and everyone. So, he prescribed a mild anti-depressant. I have pretty much been on the same thing ever since. I have never taken any of that strong crap like Paxil or Prozac. Just a little something to keep me from biting someones head off...........or knocking the ever loving shit out of them. For some of you that have crossed my path in the past, it's a very good thing I was taking my medication. I don't know if I could have controlled myself or my words! Within the last year, though, things have changed and I find myself in more favorable situations on a daily basis. When you are happy with your job, it helps. Eight hours of misery each day does not make life pleasant at all. My job is a blessing. Sure, some days are tough and busy where you thought you were going to get certain things done and you don't even get to touch them. That's the type of business I'm in. I wouldn't change it for a thing. I also have a new found patience for dealing with immature, selfish people. If that's how you want to be, so be it. Whatever floats your boat because you aren't gonna be a passenger on mine. I only share this as an outlet for me and insight into the posts I make on this blog.
I have run out of my medication that I take for my depression. The doctor I had here in town has left and I don't have a regular family physician. I was going to call in and see if I could get a refill until I could get in to a new doctor but I have decided to go without. I am trying to be positive and tell myself I can do this. Then something occurred to me.
What if I don't like who I am? What if I am not the person I thought I was all along? Who am I?
We will soon find out. I am excited to see if I feel better, if I sleep better, and if other aspects of my life that I thought I needed medication to deal with are actually better. Saturday was rough, Sunday was too. Today, surprisingly good. I almost feel at peace. It's almost as if I have free'd myself of something. Something that was holding me back and stopping me. My mind felt clearer today and calmer.
Of course, as anyone who suffers from depression knows, this can change in an instant.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
It's Not Raining Outside
but it's raining inside.
It's raining in my world. I was hoping the weather wouldn't change; that I'd be okay without my umbrella but I'm getting soaked pretty good. Can I change it? Can I control it?
I don't feel like I can control anything. Only my mind is in control and it's raining there.
I hope it doesn't storm.
It's raining in my world. I was hoping the weather wouldn't change; that I'd be okay without my umbrella but I'm getting soaked pretty good. Can I change it? Can I control it?
I don't feel like I can control anything. Only my mind is in control and it's raining there.
I hope it doesn't storm.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thought For The Day
Sometimes I figure PRN means "pretty much never"! Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm right.
It's funny how initials can have different meanings. Like FML..........I first learned that FML meant "f&^k my life". Then at an ophthalmologists office it means Fluorometholone. At my current place of employment, it means file maintenance loss (more so, loss file maintenance).
Anywho, the whole PRN thing was pretty funny to me.
Having a great week and hoping you all do the same!
It's funny how initials can have different meanings. Like FML..........I first learned that FML meant "f&^k my life". Then at an ophthalmologists office it means Fluorometholone. At my current place of employment, it means file maintenance loss (more so, loss file maintenance).
Anywho, the whole PRN thing was pretty funny to me.
Having a great week and hoping you all do the same!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Dear................
Inventor of the hot tub.............I love you! So does my achy back and stiff neck! Here are a few videos from our trip. P. S. You can make the videos full screen by clicking on the bottom right of each video box after you hit play!
First are the bears playing around. They were so entertaining! We went first thing in the am and it was still nice and cool.
Then when we were at our Chuckwagon Supper they had a violinist that was amazing. I swear this video looks in fast-forward and SHE even looked fast-forward in person! My violin teacher says I'll be able to do this someday. I hope she's right!
First are the bears playing around. They were so entertaining! We went first thing in the am and it was still nice and cool.
Then when we were at our Chuckwagon Supper they had a violinist that was amazing. I swear this video looks in fast-forward and SHE even looked fast-forward in person! My violin teacher says I'll be able to do this someday. I hope she's right!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Our Love is Amazing
We are home from our trip and had a great time. Even better was having that extra day off of work to get caught up on laundry, house stuff and REST! We got the hot tub filled and had a nice hot soak (104 degrees!!). There are way too many pictures to post but I will post a few.............
The monument was so much more than I expected. It was beautiful and breathtaking.
The monument was so much more than I expected. It was beautiful and breathtaking.
George Washington played peek-a-boo with me!
North By Northwest was directed by Alfred Hitchcock and starred Cary Grant. I remember watching this movie with my dad. Need to treat Rusty to a viewing now!
Bear Country USA was great! Adult bears were allowed to roam free around your car and the "children" were separate.
Beautiful big horn sheep.
Just taking a friendly stroll.....
The happy couple 8 years later.
Bliss
Not much to it when the rally isn't going on!
Deadwood, South Dakota
The relaxing hot tub looking over the city that was at our motel.
This was way more amazing than we expected!
This was a great vacation. Looking forward to next years trip to Ohio!
Friday, September 3, 2010
And Now We Made It!
Just a quick update as I will have lots more to blog about but we have made it to South Dakota! Our 8th Anniversary is Tuesday so we took advantage of the long weekend to get away.
At Carhenge in Nebraska
In South Dakota
That's what we came for! Well, two of the things anyway!
Me and my baby!
Crazy Horse Monument
Lots more to come as this is only our first day here! Have a great long weekend!
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