It's No Secret

I suffer from depression.  Anyone who reads this blog would know that.  I have posted deep, dark poems.  Blogs of happy, sad and in between.  Depression runs in my family and it runs deep.  Not just mild depression where you have a day or two every once in a while where you want to just tell the world to "f" off.  Sometimes it's weeks on end.

My mother asked me once if I was happy.  This was about 3 months or so ago.  I know she asked me because of this blog and some of the things I post.  Me being unhappy couldn't be farther from the truth.  That's the thing about depression.  You can have everything your heart desires and you can still find yourself in that deep, dark hole wishing you didn't exist.  I am happy.  I am beyond happy.  I live in a town that I used to have dreams of moving back to.  I have a husband that is absolutely the most amazing man in the world.  No matter how much you think you have the best one, let's compare notes.  Our relationship will blow you away.  I have an awesome job that I enjoy each and every day.  I have a beautiful home in which I find complete comfort.  In my books, I damn near have it all.

So, you ask, how can you be depressed?

There's no way to explain it unless you have dealt with it yourself.  It's just like the smoking issue.  DO NOT give me advice on something you have no clue about.  I first started taking a real mild anti-depressant about 10 years or so ago.  I visited with my doctor and told him that I had a few choice words for anyone that looked at me.  I worked at a hospital in Oklahoma and as I would walk down the hall and have people smile at me my thoughts weren't good thoughts.  They were more along the line of "What the hell are you smiling about?"  And this was the attitude towards everything and everyone.  So, he prescribed a mild anti-depressant.  I have pretty much been on the same thing ever since.  I have never taken any of that strong crap like Paxil or Prozac.  Just a little something to keep me from biting someones head off...........or knocking the ever loving shit out of them.  For some of you that have crossed my path in the past, it's a very good thing I was taking my medication.  I don't know if I could have controlled myself or my words!  Within the last year, though, things have changed and I find myself in more favorable situations on a daily basis.  When you are happy with your job, it helps.  Eight hours of misery each day does not make life pleasant at all.  My job is a blessing.  Sure, some days are tough and busy where you thought you were going to get certain things done and you don't even get to touch them.  That's the type of business I'm in.  I wouldn't change it for a thing.  I also have a new found patience for dealing with immature, selfish people.  If that's how you want to be, so be it.  Whatever floats your boat because you aren't gonna be a passenger on mine.  I only share this as an outlet for me and insight into the posts I make on this blog.

I have run out of my medication that I take for my depression.  The doctor I had here in town has left and I don't have a regular family physician.  I was going to call in and see if I could get a refill until I could get in to a new doctor but I have decided to go without.  I am trying to be positive and tell myself I can do this.  Then something occurred to me.

What if I don't like who I am?  What if I am not the person I thought I was all along?  Who am I?

We will soon find out.  I am excited to see if I feel better, if I sleep better, and if other aspects of my life that I thought I needed medication to deal with are actually better.  Saturday was rough, Sunday was too.  Today, surprisingly good.  I almost feel at peace.  It's almost as if I have free'd myself of something.  Something that was holding me back and stopping me.  My mind felt clearer today and calmer.

Of course, as anyone who suffers from depression knows, this can change in an instant.