I forgot to blog last night!

I chose this color because, well, I'm feeling a little *blue* today.

I forgot to blog last night. I went to the gym after work, came home and made dinner, showered and then looked at the pictures that we took on Sunday. Andrea did a great job! So, needless to say it was way late by the time I got finished with all of my routine on-line stuff, plus the pictures, that I HAD to go to bed! I have to read in bed too! So, it was at 5 this morning that I remembered I didn't blog last night and that's all I could think about.

Last night as I looked at the pictures that Andrea did a great job on, I found myself wondering exactly who that girl was in those pictures. I am not being sarcastic and I am NOT looking for condolences.....I merely HAVE to talk about this somewhere and I don't want to talk to anyone because I will cry. I was on the verge of tears most of the day today.

I seriously wonder what happened to me. A picture is worth a thousand words but these left me speechless....and a little depressed. Ok, not a little but a lot.

I remember about a year ago in December I was sitting on the couch eating one of those fattening Hostess Cherry Pie things (damn that sounds good) and I looked at Rusty and said "I know I have to stop". I knew what was happening. I had quit smoking in October and I guess I did start eating to make up for it. Well, that is finally all catching up with me and the pictures just put it in perspective. They really brought out the me and I mean ALL of me. Please don't get me wrong, I am not upset with the pictures. No one can do anything about what I am unhappy about. Only me. I stood at the counter in Casey's today looking at the cigarettes. Not the way to go but I won't lie that it crossed my mind.

I am trying and it is difficult. I love food. I love to eat. And when I get depressed that's what I want to do....eat. I do go to the gym but that is hard too. My back limits me a lot and I don't know what to do about it. Rusty was trying to figure out what was wrong with me today and I said I didn't want to talk about it because no one could do anything about it. He asked (sympathetically) if I was hurting...............since when did he become concerned about that? Not trying to be mean, but I hurt every damn day. No one seems to care unless I make a big deal out of it and that's not me. The times I do mention it I get the whole "what's new" attitude so I deal with it. I have dealt with it for over 10 years with everyone thinking I am just lying or being a wuss. Keep thinking it, whatever. It's wrong of me to wish that kind of pain on someone............but if it helped them to understand maybe I could. But it's not worth it. I will continue to have those mornings where trying to turn off the alarm clock brings tears to my eyes or bending to put my shoes on seems damn near impossible. Just keep thinking I am fine and that it's all "in my head". I've hurt this long, what's another 30-40 years right?

So, am I down in the dumps? Yep. Can anyone change it? Only me. I can't change my back issues, but I can change the weight issues. I know the changes I have to make and they won't be easy due to habits of others that are involved in my daily life. I have to step up to the plate if I want to make any changes.

So, no need to mention this post to me if you read it. No need to try and make me feel better. I simply needed to "bitch" and that I have done. This probably isn't the end of it, but that's what my blogging is for. I will continue to go to the gym and I will continue to try. I know I am not trying very hard right now........I'm just not sure how. I only know that I do not like how others see me. I don't like how I see myself either.

I am still super happy with where I am in my life, just not how I am. But right now, yeah, I have that piss off attitude.

Peace out my bitches.